UNSEEN NIGHTMARE for Friday Fictioneers

Photo Copyright-John Nixon

Genre – Thriller/Horror/Suspense

Word Count – 100

UNSEEN NIGHTMARE

A clammy sense of doom.

His body stiffened.

Frozen.

Rooted by unseen shackles.

He grabbed her hand. Resolved to hang on, whatever happened.

Thunder stopped mere feet away.

Something breathed. Snorted.

Fear rose inside him. Stuck in his throat. Stifled the scream that terror induced, but did not allow to escape.

Probably just as well.

Flight? Not an option. Whatever stood behind him would surely stem that urge instantly.

Fight? No. Foolhardy. The thing was big, if those thunderous stomps were anything to go by. Assuming those belonged to this unseen nightmare.

Its breath blustered against his neck.

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11 thoughts on “UNSEEN NIGHTMARE for Friday Fictioneers”

Liked it! Nice and scary and you left me hanging! All good. One suggestion: instead of “Resolved not to let go” make this a positive statement “Resolved to hang on”. In my own writing, I find that negatives tend to be wordy and a bit confusing. Changing it to state a positive action is sometimes the answer.

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Alice White Author on April 3, 2014 at 4:58 pm said:

Excellent advice, Sorchia! I shall change that. It will then be a little less than 100 words, but it’s all good 🙂 Thank you! 😀

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Alice White Author on April 3, 2014 at 5:01 pm said:

I added one word (frozen) to replace the one I lost. The word count remains 100 😉

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Unseen nightmare is both a great title and a brilliant idea – so much more fear in the unknown. My favourite line is “rooted by unseen shackles”, my least favourite is the chilled blood – next to such a strong description (clammy sense of doom), this bit feels a little clichéd. Overall, very chilling.

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Alice White Author on April 2, 2014 at 2:48 pm said:

Thank you so much 🙂 I found your comments incredibly helpful 🙂
I can remove the “chilled blood”. I did wonder about that line in the first place, but left it in for some unknown reason. On reflection, I think perhaps “A clammy sense of doom” could stand alone, in this context. A Stronger sentence on its own… what do you think? 🙂
I do have a tendency to over write things at times, and do need it pointing out, by awesome people such as yourself 🙂
Thank you again.
Alice xox

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- elmowrites on April 2, 2014 at 3:24 pm said:
  
  You’re very welcome for the comment and thoughts. I agree about clammy sense of doom standing on its own – it’s a fantastic piece of description.
  
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  - Alice White Author on April 2, 2014 at 4:38 pm said:
    
    Thank you 🙂 I fixed it and reckon it reads much better.
    
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